HEAVEN, November 15, 2005 -- A "crack" team of 17 angels has been called in to perform a miracle of unprecedented scope this morning. At the request of Rick James and new resident Ol' Dirty Bastard, the winged seraphim have been deployed to cook up what officials are calling "the biggest crack rock ever seen in the Kingdom of God." According to a herald close to the Almighty, "The city in the clouds is about to produce some clouds of its own, as Rick James and ODB are planning what they have billed as 'the biggest mothafuckin' crack party they ever had up in this piece' for next weekend."
Another source close to the Lord of All Creation, St. Peter, voiced some concerns about the admission of Heaven's newest celebrity resident. "Frankly, I'm a little taken aback by Yahweh's decision in this. Of course, I'm not one to second guess the Alpha and Omega, but it did come as quite a surprise. At least [ODB] changed his name back from Big Baby Jesus. There would have been no end to the confusion up here if he was still calling himself that."
While some nearby residents have also indicated their trepidation, primarily citing noise concerns and insufficient parking, most of the Blessed and the Host of Heaven are looking forward to the celebration. In addition to several official envoys of Jahova and the First Son himself, Jesus of Nazareth, confirmed attendees include Biggie Smalls and roommate Tupac Shakur, John Belushi, Keith Moon, Jimi Hendrix, John the Baptist, Jam Master Jay, Miles Davis, and Jessica Tandy.
Although the King of Kings has thus far declined official comment, a spokesman for Jesus Christ, speaking under condition of anonymity, stated that the Messiah is "extremely excited about joining Mr. James and Mr. Bastard in the ceremonial first hit off the glass dick," Adding, "Whether your name is Big Baby Jesus, Dirt McGirt, or just plain Jesus, everyone is going to get higher than a motherfucker at this jump-off."
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